Hello and welcome to Episode II of Love Always Wins! First, thank you so much for the kind words after last week’s post. We hear so many negative things about people and our world, but what I consistently see is compassion, care and love. Since several have asked, yes, absolutely (!), please forward these posts to whomever. Feel free to send me email addresses and I will add them to the distribution list. We’re well over 100 readers and the list has nearly tripled in size since last week!
Second, some quick reflections from Week 1. It took me about 48 hours to react (not respond) on several occasions, especially when my fifth grader was up late working on a project, the night before it was due. It’s important to remember that we will slip up, we’re human. But we’re trying. Let’s not be too hard on ourselves.
As for this week, if you own a smartphone, this is a topic you can probably relate to. Smartphones have changed the way we interact with the world and each other. They account for a massive amount of our time and our usage went from 0-100mph so rapidly, which inevitably carries consequences.
Most of this audience remembers a time when cell phones, never mind smartphones, did not exist. When I get the weekly notification that I spend 6-8 hours (!) a day on my device, I cringe. I also stare at my computer and TV screens for hours each day. How is it possible that I’m spending 6-8 hours every day on my phone?!
It appears that I’m on the high end of usage, because Google says the average person is in the 4-5 hour range, though teens are in the 7+ hour per day category. In the example of 5 hours a day for a 7-day week, that’s 35 hours. Basically, we spend the equivalent of a work week on our phones, every week. Over the course of a decade, that adds up to something like 18,000 hours.
Let’s call our average lifespan 78 years. For my high school readers, that will translate into smartphone usage of over 12 years of your remaining time here on earth. This assumes 5-hour daily usage, which is probably conservative.
But how are we amassing these hours? What are we doing with our phones? What activities have we traded away? And how is it impacting our quality of life and our relationships? What is it doing to our attention span? There are consequences to this huge shift in how we use our time. It’s not surprising that a host of tech CEOs have imposed strict usage restrictions for their own families.
Does any of this sound familiar? Checking your phone first thing in the morning and scrolling through headlines (that vast majority of which are negative), emails and texts. Then repeating that sequence god knows how many times throughout the day. Even in the car, I really try and limit car usage, but the urge is so strong that I still do it every now and then, and certainly at red lights. For the sake of TMI, how about when going to the bathroom? That thing is in my hand all day long. Boring meeting at work, check the phone. Walk to the kitchen, check the phone. Watch TV, check the phone. Quiet moment, check the phone. Google says we check our phones 150-200x a day.
How about social media? I intentionally stay off most of it (I shutter to think what my usage would be if I didn’t), but we all know how consuming that can be. Whether we have 20 seconds or 2 hours of free time, there’s plenty to scroll through. Plenty to snag our attention. How about online shopping? Flicking up is almost as pervasive on Amazon as it is on social media sites. It’s hard to put the smartphone down when the algorithm knows just what we like, and funnels carefully curated content to us relentlessly. Sometimes I wonder how independent my thought truly is. Once I form an opinion, my smartphone feeds me more and more supporting content until it becomes a belief. The algorithms certainly do not provide an objective source of information; they’re not intended to.
I recently had a long chat with a Seminole tribe elder, someone who emulates the old ways, the connection to the land and the tribe. Smartphones came up and she proudly pointed out that her family doesn’t allow smartphones at the dinner table. I thought that would be a given for someone with her history and values but that’s how pervasive they’ve become. And that’s why 6-8 hours a day is so easy.
It’s always right there. Downtime with no smartphone has become uncomfortable. Not doing anything is difficult. Being fully, I mean 100%, present for the task at hand is a huge challenge for so many of us.
How many of us can have lengthy conversations, especially with those closest to us, without pulling the phone out? I’m not intentionally thinking it’s time to give my kids or my wife only part of my attention, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. I say I’m multitasking. I’m not giving all of myself to really hearing them, watching their body language and responding thoughtfully, because I have to check on that text, email or eBay item. Heck, I can’t even give the game or show I’m watching my full attention if I have my smartphone. It’s become commonplace among my friends who are sports fans to miss key sequences during a game because they’re looking down at their phones. It’s not the same experience it used to be.
Imagine playing poker heads up, just you and your opponent. Let’s pretend that the opponent has exactly the same skill set you do. They know how to calculate odds, what cards to play, how much to bet, when to bluff, etc. Now imagine your opponent put their phone away, but you did not. They watched everything like a hawk. They paid close attention to the timing of your bets, your body language, their only focus was the game. You checked the weather, scrolled through Instagram a few times, refreshed your emails a few times, etc. That would give them an edge. Or imagine a similar scenario with the coworker who knows just as much as you do about the project, but they’re fully engaged. Who do you think will generally connect better with their teams and the materials?
Being fully present in the moment is another full topic on its own, but our unconscious use of these devices is a surefire way to remove us from the full experience of the present moment all day long.
Smartphones have enriched and enhanced our lives as well and they have their place, but I think we need to be more conscious of our usage so that we can give them that place. Perhaps we set a few more ground rules. Maybe we claw back 5-10 minutes at first. Maybe we don’t pull the phone out when we’re walking our dog and instead really pay attention to our surroundings. We listen to the ambient sounds, observe the different shades of green in the local vegetation and feel the breeze. Maybe we don’t online shop for a couple of days. Maybe we put the phone in the other room overnight and have our morning coffee without it. Maybe we strike up some conversation in between classes instead of checking our Instagram. Maybe we try drawing or painting again, or even coloring, like we did when we were kids. And maybe when our kids want to share something with us, we throw the darn phone to the other side of the house and give them our very best!
A friend of mine came across an article that suggested that those of us who are middle aged will lament smartphone overuse as a major regret on our deathbeds, just like the previous generations commonly cite working too much and not spending enough time with their loved ones (we’ll probably lament both). But we can change that. We can refocus ourselves to presence and appreciation. We may pick up just a bit more from that next conversation. A little quiet time may lead to the next great book idea. But perhaps most importantly, we can take back a bit of that most valuable commodity of all: time, especially time being present with those you love. And if you’re an online shopper your bank account will thank you too!
I hope you all have an awesome week! And remember when you’re stuck in a challenging situation, big or small, Love Always Wins.
(Author’s Note: I started this series of posts because I’ve been blessed with exposure to a host of materials and people over the past 5 years that I know others would benefit from. It mainly revolves around the inner workings of our mind and how we approach life, things that were never taught to me growing up or in academic settings, and other challenges we face today. Importantly, and as one of my favorite athletes once said, I am not a role model! You don’t have to search far to find someone who would describe me as a jerk, liar, creep, selfish, hypocritical or worse. And they’re not lying. Until recently, I was on a dark path. A path that led me to some very, very dark choices and places. Thankfully, I managed to recover. Change is definitely possible, but I had a lot of help and am still a big work in progress!
I will continue to make mistakes, but the content of the mistakes will be valuable, maybe more so than when I get things “right.” Nothing I’m writing about is new. In fact, the good news is there’s a ton of easily accessible material available on each of these topics should you choose to explore further. Lastly, I hope these posts help spread some love. It’s so easy to fall into negativity, annoyance, gossip, anger, hatred, etc. We all do it. But if we can stay on the loving path, summoning kindness and compassion whenever possible, our lives, and those we touch, will benefit tremendously. Life will flow. We’ll start seeing the many commonalities we share, not searching for differences. And we’ll start seeing the beauty of our experiences here on earth, even in trying times.)